Gangreen

Nate!

2011-09-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

9 Days

2011-08-28T19:43:00.000-07:00

Nate loves to sit on the balcony and watch the cars go by our apartment. I think what Nate likes most about them is that they move. Something he does not.

Every night we have a routine. For awhile there Annie and I were so tired we would do all the maintenance things we needed to do to Nate then put him in bed. Venting his tube, changing his diaper, getting his night time meal ready, suction his trach, attach his oxygen monitor, plug in his vent and humidifier and put his hand splint on. We decided it would be better to make bed time more happy.

Nate has a friend. He's called "Bunny" and while we don't trust him Nate seems to like him, a lot. More than us actually. He got him during the pneumonia stay of 2011 and they've been great friends ever since. After putting him in bed we'll give him Bunny and Nate will go bananas kissing him and hugging him.

Before that though we sing a song, usually a primary hymn. Nate's favorite seems to be Give Said the Little Stream. After that one of us says a prayer. Recently Nate has begun folding his arms when we start to pray. Tonight, as soon as I said: "Nate, its night night time", he folded his arms ready for the prayer. This is Nate trying to fold his arms with his hand splint on:

Oh, and here is Nate being dorbes.

Near Life Experience

2011-08-18T18:42:00.001-07:00

In the time since the last entry Nate has come close to death taken to the hospital where he received a tracheostomy was sent home, almost died, went back to the hospital, came home again had another event, went back to the hospital and is finally home again today. I'm not going to bother to check the grammar in that sentence.

Nathaniel has been a real trooper though. He has remained cheerful albeit smelly. There are all sorts of things that come with a trach that they don't tell you before hand. Nate needs an over night nurse as long as he has the trach. The trach can get plugged and suffocate him, we always need to carry a suction with us to suction gross liquids from his trach and his trach is attached with cloth wrapped around his neck, so its not too sophisticated and can get gross.

He seems to be happier then ever though. This is Nate being floppy. Lately he thinks its really fun to fall over.

Much Needed Haircut

2011-06-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

Do you notice something different about our apartment....looking closely. I'll give you a hint, look for a ridiculous amount of hair.

That's right, there's a Nate in it now!

Annie and I held a press conference this weekend to announce that Nate was finally home. It is wonderful but not without its hiccups. Most frustrating of them being his breathing machine he is supposed to sleep with at night.

The problem is that it doesn't work. So that's a negative. So it actually hinders Nate's breathing and causes his oxygen levels to drop. His alarms then go off. This happens all night, about every 15-30 minutes and we have to get up and get his oxygen levels back up.

On the bright side Nate got a haircut. I feel like his hair is better untamed and wild, much like Nate but we have to keep that mullet in check.

Before

After...well during really.

Still before but its a great pic of Nate when he was in his wheel chair. Something about that chair that made him so happy.

Professor X

2011-06-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

Whats that you say? There is life outside the hospital? Well, Nate finally got a glimpse of that this last week. Nathaniel has become depressed. He is clingy and cries a lot but we've noticed that if he can be engaged or leave his room him immediately brightens up. We've taken every chance we can get put Nate in his wheelchair and wheel him around. At least once a day they even let us take him outside.

Nate Loves his wheelchair. You don't even have to take him anywhere all the time. Sometimes he just brightens up if you sit him in it. He loves to put his arms up on the arm rests and practice his best Emperor Palpatine.

Still in the Hospital

2011-05-18T20:04:00.000-07:00

Nathaniel is still a resident of Valley Med hospital. Its not the most desirable real estate but its not the worst. Nate had been intubated with a breathing tube for 3 1/2 weeks, including the brief time he was off of it and then had to be put back on.

Last Wednesday they took out the breathing tube and replaced it with a mask that constantly pushes air into his face. He doesn't like it. Thankfully on Monday the doctors started taking the mask off for the day and then putting it back on at night. This happens for 2 reasons.

1. They are afraid of wearing him out by having him breathing on his own.
2. Nate is suffering some pretty hard withdrawals from all the drugs he was on for the 3 1/2 weeks of intubation.

Its scary to see your 1 year-old go through this process and its an added headache. Is was in decent spirits today. The doctor is optimistic that we'll be out by the time he goes to college.

He has the sponges on a stick that are used for teeth and mouth cleaning. Turns out he loves them. He has replaced his old addiction for drugs with a new addiction for mouth cleaning sponges on a stick.

This was Nate on Monday, his first day with the mask off. It was bliss

2011-04-21T19:28:00.000-07:00

Nate turned 1 recently. About 2 weeks before he landed in the hospital we had some pictures taken so that our manipulative brains had no power to distort our vision of him at 12 months old.

We received the images while he was in the hospital. He hasn't really opened his eyes or been himself for a week and a half and it was a tremendous gift to these during this time.

Top 5

2011-04-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

Nate has been in an induced coma for the last 5 days. So far one of the hardest parts has been that there has been almost no change in his condition day after day. We've basically had our son taken from us for the last 6 days. Its not the worst case scenario but its tough. We miss him and we miss his personality. Annie and I find ourselves talking about our favorite things he does. I though I'd share some of them.

1. One of our favorite things Nate does is listen to music. Often times when I'm at my computer Nate will crawl over and grab the over-the-ear headphones I have plugged into the desktop, look up at me, and make sounds. Thats my cue. I'll play some songs and turn it up so it comes blasting out the headphones. Nate will hold them and bob his head. He'll stay there until I stop the music.

2. Nate loves to play with balls. Big ones, small ones, even the dreaded black one has become nothing more than his play thing. For a while Nate was terrified of a black exercise ball we have. Now he loves them all. He'll play catch. He will sit there and push the ball to you and wait for you to push it back. Sometimes he'll play with a toy thats not a ball, but if the ball is nearby he'll often still keep one hand on it.

3. Electronics. He truly is my son. You'd think that an infant wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a brick and an Xbox, but he can. He's not fooled by baby versions of phones and laptops either. He wants the real deal. Not a day goes by that Nate doesn't race to some electronic to turn it on and play with it. His favorites are the Playstation 3 and the Xbox. He loves turning those on.

4. Oh, you're trying to call me on the phone, well good luck with that if Nate is nearby. Trying to talk on the phone while Nate is close at hand soon becomes a wrestling match. Whoever can pry the phone from the other's grasp is the one that gets to talk. Unfortunately when Nate does get a chance to talk he just gets a big grin on his face and then proceeds to eat the phone.

5. Itsy Bitsy Spider is a song Nate has heard since birth. He has spent the last year honing his motor skills for the sole purpose of doing the hand motions that accompany that song. One day he'll learn more than two of the motions. As it is, when you sing itsy bitsy spider he starts to move his hands like the spider, then he throws his arms up for the "out came the sun".

Everything in between and after is irrelevant, he's a busy kid. Then its back to the spider, so we sing "the itsy bitsy spider" part again. Then he throws his arms back up so we sing "out came the sun" again, then........thats right, back to the spider. He thinks its a blast. He'll learn the rest eventually.

This Song That Never Ends

2011-04-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

Nate got a cold last week. For a normal baby that isn't a problem but for Nate it is. Ya see, all humans with super human abilities also have a weakness. Superman and kryptonite, Green Lantern and Yellow or wood (I'm not joking thats true)and Batman and bullets to the mouth. Nate has super human cuteness and intelligence but his lungs are his weakness. Every time he gets a normal cold it is very dangerous. This time it hit his chest hard and we had to call an ambulance at the mall. It was as great an experience as it could be. Nate was limp and turning blue but as soon as he heard that fire truck pull up his head popped up and he came alive. A little boy's dreams to have a fire engine drive up just for you.

As the paramedics worked on him we could hear the crowd passing by and expressing concern, it touched my heart a little when I heard that a couple passing by stated that they were going to pray for that little boy.

Post surgery for Nate was rough but this was the first time we actually worried for his life. At one point, while in the hospital, he couldn't breathe for himself anymore. His oxygen dropped and a team of doctors rushed in to work on him. Even with assistance his oxygen kept dropping. Finally, after about an hour of work they stabilized him. He is on high pressure oxygen now and we just need to get him through the congestion then he should be fine.

Its tough but its the price you pay to have super powers like Nate.

Nate woke up for a little today. Gave us some weak smiles and tried to talk.

Nate awake and dressed up as a droid for a Star Wars convention

Just after he was stabilized.

Nate turns one

2011-04-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

Nate started off his birthday by giving himself the greatest gift you can give yourself when you're an infant. He slept in past 8:00. When you get off to that good of a start it seems there's nowhere for the day to go but down, but the fun just kept coming.

First activity was a treasure hunt for birthday presents.

Next came a haircut, which wasn't really that fun but at least Nate doesn't look like a homeless stoner anymore.

Then we went to the store (i.e. took a roller coaster ride in an awesome shopping cart) and played some more at home.

Then came the pants off dance-off. Nate hasn't learned the difference between pants and shirts yet but it was his birthday so we thought it best not to point this out.

Finally it was time for cupcakes. Nate approached this token of love from his mother (which took her two batches to get right) just as he does all other food and gave it the good smashing it deserved for daring to make an appearance on his tray.

After a nice hot soak in the tub to get the frosting off, Nate finally got something he really wanted. A yellow rubber ball, just for him. It is now his most prized possession and he spends half the day holding it, pushing it around, and attempting to beat his current record for throwing distance (half an inch).

I should probably fess up now to not being Scott, but rather his lovelier, if not better, half. After three long years of marriage I was finally invited to guest post on our family blog. Don't you think I did a good job at trying to be Scott though?

Slave Labor

2011-03-30T19:59:00.000-07:00

Annie and I thought it was time Nate started earning his keep around here.

Bag of Tricks

2011-03-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

Nate has really enjoyed doing "tricks" lately. There have been times in the past when Nathaniel would humor you and lift his arms up when you asked how big he is, but mostly he has had little desire to play these games. The last couple of weeks though he has decided to oblige.

We caught him doing some of these. When Annie and I were replaying the video and Nate was watching he on, he would mimic himself doing the tricks. At the part in the video I asked, "how big is Nathaniel?" I looked over to see Nate watching the video with his arms straight in the air. It was pretty fun.

Another game he likes to play is when one of us snores and pretends to be asleep, Nate claps to wake us up. He gets a kick out of it. The best part is that he started the game. One day I pretended to be asleep. As I peaked out and watched his reaction I saw him study me then spread his arms out and then clap as loud as he could. Which was about as loud as crumpling a piece of paper. Ever since then he has liked playing that game.

Monterey

2011-03-13T19:12:00.001-07:00

Annie and I went to Monterey this weekend. Its been a rough week with all the roller-coasters of Nate's problems so we thought we'd leave him to fend for himself for a night and stay at a nice place in Monterey. Had we known that Nate would pawn all of the expensive jewelry and electronics in the house to buy more pediasure we might not have left.

We stayed at a B&B (that means bed and breakfast) and it was quite nice. B&B's are odd places. You are paying money to stay at an inn yet there exists an unseen social force that requires you to act in a way you don't want to.

Breakfast for example: Included in the price was a breakfast (thats where the genre derives its name). Yet, to access the breakfast we had to sit at a table with all the other guests. Annie and I emerged and saw a little table out on the porch. I thought about having a breakfast out there by ourselves but did not want to offend the complete strangers at the table. Strangers we never saw again. Its like being forced into some bizarre social structure. Suddenly all the guest began trading stories about travel arrangements. These stories were not amazing nor funny but everyone acted as if it were the best time they'd ever had.

A testament to why you should always ask a kind stranger to take your picture for you.

The sitting room. Its for sitting.

Us being stately in our stately robes, sitting in our stately chairs in front of our stately fireplace with a stately brandy decanter on it.

Annie is very bad at Hide and go seek.

Guess where this window looks in to?

Thats right! The toilet.

Me pouring a glass of brandy but not drinking it. There was free liquor everywhere in this place. Every flat surface in the house was made into an alcohol platform.

Pictures of the cool room.

Oh yeah, and Nate doing this.

To delight your heart

2011-03-07T22:01:00.000-08:00

A gift to you straight from the Nate factory. Here is a photo of Nate worthy of a box of cereal. Simply right click, save image as, then make it your desktop. Its great for when you need a quirky face looking back at you.

Stuck

2011-03-05T20:19:00.000-08:00

In the mornings when Annie and I do not have the energy to keep constant tabs on Nate we barricade half of the room, the half with all the things he shouldn't get into, and we let him roam.
Unfortunately, he knows the good stuff is on the other side. One time Annie heard him but could not see him. She took out the camera and went on a search to find him. He was digging a tunnel to the other side and got stuck.

Ladies watch out

2011-02-25T18:50:00.001-08:00

Look at his complete tongue and mouth control. Nate's going to be a good kisser.

Nate Waking Up

2011-02-22T19:08:00.000-08:00

Some pictures of Nate sleeping and what we see when he wakes up in the morning, sleep eyes, bed head and all. Its quite possibly the best thing ever.

Nate watching the Rain

2011-02-19T15:19:00.000-08:00

Nate stood at the window and watched the rain for a while.

Then he noticed something much more interesting, the camera, and suddenly the rain wasn't so captivating.

Cheerio Addict

2011-02-12T20:09:00.001-08:00

Nate likes Cheerios...a lot. Normally we just hand him one or two at a time. Observe what happens when he is given more freedom.

Its reminiscent of the last two years of congress. Shoving in what he can before it gets taken away.

Battle of the Cream

2011-02-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

The foul offender commanded the open field. It rolled and sloshed with a mighty roar within its armored confines. Who was there to stand against such a beast. There was no one, but to sit, or even crawl against it, there was one.

Nathaniel crawled upon the field. The field was smoothed like polished rock, the perfect territory for the vile slippery cream. It had claimed hundreds of victims with its slick death. Many a foe have mistaken the malevolence contained within the steel prison to be nothing more than a sweet treat, a whipped cream, but it was more. Many victims stepped toward the monster and felt themselves slipping into its gaping maw.

Nathaniel knew better. He did not walk not charge the enemy. He sat. A simple action, done every day but ingenious in its victory over the slippery attacks of the foe. The combatants stood staring as if willing the opponent out of existence. A force of wills was engaged. Nate the Great, as he was dubbed, felt the fear build. How could he, not more than a babe, hope to fight off a creature that had stopped the hearts of so many. His heart began to pound his diaper slick with greasy whipped cream. What could one baby do against such reckless hate? Certainly he could do nothing, but if not him then who? He could hear his heart beating as if in his ears, his body threatening to tear itself apart with fear and then with a sudden motion Nate gathered his courage and thrust his hand down, deep down into the muck. Into the slime, into the greasy, into the cream. Deeper, deeper down into that hateful being. Reaching as far as he could Nathaniel thrust his hand in, then, suddenly he stopped. Time slowed and their eyes met. Sound stopped having meaning as if muted and foreign. 5 heartbeats passed as the titans locked wills and might, then it happened. Quickly, Nate's hand retreated and the cream cackled with delight. "I have won, you could not endure the sugary depths of my soul and now I have won!"

Then Nate the Great, Nathaniel of the Green, Famel of Lee, opened his hand. And there in his tiny palm, was the heart of that great beast. "NOOOOOOO!" Shrieked the ageless being. It wailed and whimpered but in the end it was no use and faded into nothing. Silent. And fun to play in. The day saved and the kingdom's true order restored Nathaniel and the people of Kitchendia rejoiced. The free peoples dove into the dead beat and splashed and played until it was bath time.

Nate the Great battling the best for ground.

Our Hero's courage and resolve been tested by the ageless one.

The battle of wills just before Nathaniel reached into the beast.

Nate ripping out and revealing the heart of the creature.

Nathaniel clapping and rejoicing/smashing the creatures heart repeatedly between his hands.

And finally, posing for pictures afterwards.

Rock

2011-02-05T09:38:00.000-08:00

Recently Nate has had great reactions to music. Sometimes he rocks his body and he almost always claps to Hall & Oats. Rock brings out his wild side.

Laugh

2011-02-02T19:56:00.000-08:00

WE got Nate laughing pretty hard. This is after his hysterics but you will still see a glimpse of it. We had him laughing harder than I'd ever seen.

2011-01-23T17:47:00.000-08:00

Nate watched Predator this weekend. He became paranoid that a predator was out to get him. He followed Arnold's example and found ways to hide his body's heat signature.

It has been awhile since Annie and I have professed our history to the world through blog. This is not without good reason. This week I have begun working a job. I work for someone. His name is The Man, maybe you've heard of him. The rumors are true though, I have a job. A real job that a real person would go to. Knowing my past, there may be some confusion for people out there. There was for me. Let me clarify. This is not the type of thing that provides me money without doing anything, nor is this the sort of thing in which I do something and don't get paid for it.

I both do something for someone and receive monetary compensation. I was confused by this at first but apparently it's quite normal. Sadly, this means my 2 year long love affair with daytime television and day long hang-outs with Annie and Nate (well, only 9 months for Nate) are over. The abrupt end has been brutal. I now know about my son only through prerecorded viewings and text messages. It is sad. Work, however, is happy.

The job doesn't pay much though, so Nate has had to take up work as a grease monkey. We don't know what that is yet but we think he would show up to work looking like this:

When we told Nate he had to pick up a job to help the family out he stripped off his close and did this for 3 hours.

Ta-da

2011-01-17T18:58:00.000-08:00

It's more shuffling than crawling but he will be there within the next couple of weeks.

Media Down Pour

2011-01-10T16:27:00.000-08:00

We have so many videos and pictures of Nate that we cannot possibly keep them all. So Annie and I are offering them to you, for free, through this weblog.

Nate has started clapping. His accuracy is little under developed but his heart is in the right place. He likes to do it but it's difficult to catch it on tape. Big Foot probably feels much the same as Nate's clapping. I bet Big Foot wants to be seen but there have been decades of him being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't know what I'm saying.

Nate and his cousin Samantha have some things in common. Both Nate and Sammy need to consume more calories than your average child. They both are unintelligible, but emphatically so. And now Nate has seen Sammy play her favorite game and adapted it to his strengths.

Opening and closing doors.

The Un-holiday

2011-01-01T10:09:00.000-08:00

I don't get New Years. I know what it celebrates but I don't know how to celebrate it without alcohol. Celebrating New Years seems a lot like winning a drawing to me. I know it happens to someone but I've never seen it nor do I know how it happens. Nate had his first Christmas but it was not what we had hoped for. He started pushing teeth through his gums and thought it would be a good idea to get sick at the same time. It was a rough Christmas for him. He did open some presents though and was delighted to receive a plush Grover and "Monster at the End of This Book", which he loved.

Nate has also picked up a few new habits. He likes to rub the bottom of his tongue along his new found teeth. It's very amusing.

He also likes to copy you when you're talking, but only if your talking sounds like growling. Beware though, his growl is ferocious and has attracted the attention of wild beasts.

Christmas

2010-12-25T22:40:00.001-08:00

Christmas was great. It was really, really great. Nate was sick and sad but still managed to smile and be happy most of the time. Years ago my brother Marcus and his wife Jenny were snowed in and could not fly in for Christmas Eve. The spent the night with their two girls, ages 1 and 2 I think, filming their version of the Nativity story.

It was cute and charming. Since then they have made A Christmas Carol and this year Nate helped film How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Jenny did the filming and I did the editing.

3 days more

2010-12-12T21:01:00.001-08:00

Nate spent another 3 days this week in the hospital. We took him in for his normal check up on Monday and the doctor freaked out about his low weight and sent us to the hospital. The low weight is concerning, her reaction was just as concerning. We spent 3 days in the hospital and no one really knew why, including most of the doctors and nurses.

Nate has a deadline. If he cannot show that he can gain weight by the 21 then he will be admitted to the hospital and receive a temporary feeding tube. A few weeks later they will surgically implant a feeding tube directly into his tummy....I mean stomach. I feel like there is a countdown above our heads and it makes enjoying the season a little difficult. If anyone would like to help, feel free to send food. Nate likes mountain dew and doritos.

On the bright side Nate is wonderful. He loves to push himself backwards. Sometimes he disappears and we find that he has pushed himself backwards into the closet or under the bed.

For example; here is Nate pushing himself under the bed. He got so far under he couldn't push back anymore.

A few pictures

2010-12-05T17:44:00.000-08:00

Disneyland

2010-12-02T11:43:00.000-08:00

We went to Disneyland this week. It was an early Christmas present and a quick trip. One day to drive there, one day at the park and then back the next day. There were only two drawbacks; Nate couldn't go to the park with us and Nate had to sit in a car seat for 6-7 hours.....twice. Lets take a photo tour.

After hours of being stuck in the car seat Nate was so happy to get out and play in the back seat for a little while as we sat parked in a gas station parking lot. A sad little boy became the happiest boy on the planet.

Until we told him there were still 2 more hours of driving.

There were many sections of the park that were really well decorated. Especially the "Its a Small World Ride". The creepy lifeless dolls seemed to frighten less and entertain more as they sang Christmas carols instead of pounding "its a small world" into your weakening psyche.
I cannot understand what the appeal is in that ride. Its like watching Chucky come to life.

On this trip though, Annie and I took a ride on the Disneyland train for the first time ever. Best decision we ever made, yes I mean that. Not only did we ride around the park but we got to take a very weird trip to the prehistoric Grand Canyon.

Nate was so excited to head home that his whole mouth and tongue went numb.

Nate was such a good boy that I let him drive for a little bit. There was an.... incident. Mistakes were made and now we know not to let Nate drive. So, all-in-all it was a good thing, a learning experience.

Nate Loves Apples

2010-11-15T10:43:00.001-08:00

We've discovered Nate loves to munch on apples. The video is kind of long cause I didn't want to have to chop it up. So soak in the minute or two of Nate and apple.

Surgery

2010-11-08T10:29:00.000-08:00

As most of you know Nate had surgery about two weeks ago. What most of you don't know is that along with fixing his diaphragm they also extracted his soul, which took several days to return. After the surgery Nate was a zombie, which is great for zombie lovers. Annie is not a zombie lover. Occasionally he would open his eyes and stare. Annie and I would smile at him and try to get his attention but he would just stare blankly. It was very unnerving.

You can't see his surgery cuts but you can see the chest tube. For those of you who don't know, chest tubes were created by Satan with the specific purpose of killing happiness. Nate had to have this in him for days and it was painful and very uncomfortable. He didn't have a good sleep nor could he be off of morphine until they took this out. The tube went into his lung lining and pumped out air and fluids that were caught in there. It was miserable.

He was doped up and for the first hour so when they brought him out of surgery. He looked as you see in the picture except he had a breathing tune in his mouth. The breathing tube was supposed to be extracted by a doctor or nurse when he started to wake up. You think in the intensive care unit there would have been a doctor or nurse around. There wasn't so as Nate started waking up he started to gag on the thing and yanked it out himself. A wonderful bit of defiance that I was happy to see.

All of the wires and tubes are either in him or connected to him in some way. He struggled and whined as the anesthesia war off. The only way we could calm him down and keep him from ripping things out was by lashing his hands to the bed. I didn't like that so I held him and he calmed down and fell back asleep. It was a very sad moment.

After days of problem after problem Nate finally began to stabilize and he came out of the stupor. He wasn't completely back to normal but it was a huge difference and we were happy. That is until they told us the surgery might not have worked and his breathing still had problems because his lungs were crushed. It took another 5 days to work that out.

Out of the Hospital

2010-11-03T14:34:00.000-07:00

We were finally discharged from the hospital yesterday and Nate is doing pretty good. But before we discuss the details, maybe on of the cutest videos ever. Nate loves clementines. I've never seen him try so hard to get something in his mouth before. I almost lost a hand.

Week in the Hospital

2010-10-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

2 x-rays
2 Fluoroscopic tests
1 Barium Swallow
1 Urinalysis
2 ultra sounds
1 heart echo
1 MRI
1 CT Scan
4 blood tests
3 neurologists
2 Surgeons
2 pediatricians
2 Geneticists
1 Nutritionist
2 lung specialists
and about 10 other doctors and residents

This was our last 2 weeks. On Tuesday Nate will undergo surgery and hopefully it will fix his breathing problem. Most of the time Nate thought it was the greatest adventure ever. He loved looking at all the machines and lights and the loved all the attention he got from the nurses doctors. Nate was the talk of the hospital. Lets take a look.

He had to be hooked up to oxygen for the first few days. He kept trying to pull the tube into his mouth and suck on it.

Excelsior!

"I feel a draft". His little hospital gowns were pretty cute.

He finally got his IV out after 6 days of having it in. We had to cover his IV hand with a sock to keep him from chewing it off and after 5 days it smelled like death. Getting it off and giving him a bath was almost as good as being discharged.

Nate made sure to always to do his stretches before his tests to prevent injury. Didn't want to pull a Hammie.

Despite all the interrupted sleep, the tests, the poking and the prodding, Nate stayed cheerful and happy.

The Pediatric floor had a nice playroom that we visited whenever Nate was unhooked from the machines. Nate thought it was great fun.

Barium and Tears

2010-10-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

Things have been happening and they have not been fun. Last Monday Nathaniel had his 6 month check up. By tomorrow Nate will have visited a doctor 3 times, seen 2 specialists and had 4 tests run on him. Nathaniel breathes very rapidly and in reverse. That is to say, when he breathes in his diaphragm moves upwards, and downwards when he breathes out. For those of you who did the coke bottle, lungs and diaphragm science fair project in elementary school, you know this is backwards.

Today he had to undergo a barium swallow and a second ultrasound test. He made it through the US test without a peep even though he had been fasting for 3 1/2 hours at that point. We arrived at the x-ray room and things got harder. Nate is a brave kid. I mean he really sucks it up and does what needs doing. Seriously, I saw him stare down a tiger once.

But bravery can only go so far. We laid him on the bed and everyone but me put on lead aprons. Only one parent could be present so I had to leave and watch (and hear) from the other room. I saw them lay little Nate down and watch them pull the machine over him while Annie held him down. Next they tried to feed him barium through a bottle, he refused. Atta boy Nate! This whole process had been inefficient and absurd at times so I was happy to see my boy spit that barium back out. Next they tried to squirt it into his mouth with a water dropper. He'd seen his cousin Sammy do this thousands of times so he knew the drill and swallowed a little. I watched the x-ray pictures and saw the barium trickle into his stomach. But it wasn't enough.

Finally they had to create a more diluted barium concoction that was sweeter and feed that to him. Nate accepted this offering, but just barely. They laid him back down on the table and pinned him down again. At this point I began to hear his crying. Not loud annoyed crying but moderate cries of sadness. Fed up of being held down, poked and prodded for over an hour he finally lost it. They finished up finally (after they stopped to chat with a doctor about a room scheduling conflict while Nate was in the middle of the process) and I was free to enter the room.

Nate lay on the bed and I went to pick him up. He was a picture of patheticness. He had barium all down his face and his hair was matted down from barium that had spilled and dried on a large portion of his head. Fresh tears made a line from his eyes to his ears. He had barium on his hands and his shoulders and his face and he was exhausted. There was Nathaniel in naught but his diapers covered in barium and tears.

But he is a brave kid. It takes a lot of poking and prodding before he starts to lose it. Even then you see his bottom lip push out and tears well up and he fights them back. He'll do that for another couple of minutes before he actually loses it. He is brave indeed. Seriously, I saw him smack Mike Tyson in the mouth once.

We still don't know what will happen with him or what his problem is but hopefully we'll know soon. Until then, here's Nate sitting.

October pics

2010-10-06T22:18:00.001-07:00

Nate got 5 vaccinations 2 days ago and hasn't quite recovered. He's been pretty tired the last two days.

This is how he hides his earphones when he sits in the back of class.

Its his homemade eating poncho. His eating is very messy. When he eats it it really isn't any different than making a smoothie, but instead of using a lid to cover the blender so the smoothie doesn't fly everywhere he uses his face. Ergo, the poncho.

Oooooooo, scary! He wanted some Halloween pictures of him looking like a zombie/skeleton in his new PJs. Note the careful attention to detail as Nate made his hair look more zombie-ish.

Pumpkin

2010-10-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

Some news. Nate turned six months this past week. 6 months! The only reason its not sad that he is growing so fast is because he isn't actually growing much at all. Nate still looks like he is 3 months old. We have a doctors appointment tomorrow and hopefully the doctor can shed some light on why he has only gained 3 or 4 pounds in 3 months or so. I think its somehow tied to his habit of not ever wanting to eat.

In other news I have found myself in the enviable position of having paid, temporary, part-time work. The details are not solid yet so I won't divulge too much other than to say it involves earning money. To be honest when he offered me the job I said yes shook the man's hand and left. I imagine he'll get back to me with the details.

Monster Hunters

2010-09-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

Lately Nathaniel has become a chatter box, a smiley chatter box. The problem is he gets too distracted when there are people other than me and Annie watching or when we put a camera on him. This means there is no evidence of Nathaniel's laughter and smiles.

Nate's laugh is like Bigfoot. Awesome, rare to catch on film and (if Jack's Links commercials are accurate) devoted to the sweet taste of beef jerky. So any time we can catch him on film laughing we post it. Today as we readied ourselves for a Sunday walk I decided to give it a try since he had been in such a great mood all day. The following document is what transpired. This is not faked or simulated and it is delightful.

Pool

2010-09-19T18:53:00.000-07:00

We went swimming a few times this month. At first we swam and Nate watched. Little did we know, we were leaving him out of the fun he wanted to be apart of. Nathaniel doesn't like cold things. He won't eat anything that isn't at least room temperature, so imagine our surprise when had a blast playing in the pool. And when I say a blast I mean mild fun. He did like it though. He kicked and laughed and had a great time. He loved being propelled through the water and that feeling of a hundred pound diaper.

Today, however, we found out something Nate doesn't like. Our primary is preparing for the primary program and I had Nate with me so I could show him the ropes. Knowing he'd be in primary soon I wanted to point out the do's and don'ts. Ya know, what social mistakes to stay away from and which girls aren't worth the trouble, things like that.

As the kids practiced their songs, and by practice I mean stood around confused and tired while mouthing some lyrics here and there, Nate sat in silence and seemed to enjoy the music. That is until a certain song. As the kids began to sing the haunting and cult-like "Follow the Prophet" Nate began to cry. I don't blame him, what a bizarre song to have a bunch of kids sing. If anti-mormon groups want to stick it to us they could just film a primary singing that song and even I might be convinced we're a dangerous cult.

Anyway, to the video of Nate.

A Week in Nathaniel

2010-09-12T17:29:00.000-07:00

I was going to post a video but then the programmed crashed and I lost interest so for now you get pictures of things Nate did this week

He pooped

He loves to read stories and turn the pages.

He was in his diapers a lot.

And he went swimming on Labor Day and loved it.

Stretch

2010-09-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

Up until about a month ago Nathaniel loved himself a good stretch. Every time we would unswadle him he would really give it his all. The blanket would come off and his arms would fly in the air as if racing each other to the top. He would kick out his legs and arch his back and look really funny. Its been requested that I post him doing this. I searched through my archives and found a video of him taking a Sunday afternoon nap and his subsequent awakening (the kind where you wake up from a nap not the kind where you become an undead). Its not the biggest stretch he ever had, really its a half stretch but it'll do.

Its also shocking to see that just a month ago he had such a round fat face. We need to feed him more patented steak bowls. (patent pending)

Follow up

2010-09-02T11:00:00.001-07:00

Nate is eating solids very well now and his brief resistance is but a dream. We weighed him at the hospital yesterday and we are happy to announce that he has gained 14 ounces since last Monday. I wonder if it happens to coincide with all the KFC we've been feeding him. He's so fat now he makes Fat Albert just look like normal Albert.

Mad Scientist

2010-08-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

Lately Nate has been experimenting. Not the blow your eyebrows off kind but the kind where he just recently discovered he has a tongue and different sound levels. He'll chew on his tongue and use it to make this hushed spitting/tongue kind of sound. I don't know how to explain so I have a video. He has also been whispering a lot lately. Kind of funny.

For awhile we were not sure what he was doing, however, we did notice that every time he would make the sound a squirrel outside would stop and listen. I think he may be communicating with them.

The video doesn't capture his best moments but you get the idea.

Too Cool for School

2010-08-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

Nate had his 4 month check up yesterday, even though it was really almost 5 months. We had to shave a little of his hair and tell him to act like a 4 month old.....but do it casually because we didn't want him to look like he was trying to act like a 4 month old. Thankfully, it worked and they gave him his check up. At his last appointment he was climbing the charts, jumping up in the percentiles. This appointment he fell down them. We knew he was getting skinnier, probably from all the P90X he's been doing, but we didn't know that that he was so far below what he "should" be according to charts and graphs. He has mostly lost interest in eating so the doctor recommended we start him on rice cereal. So we went out and bought some rice cereal, which by-the-way is not just a generic version of Rice Krispies, and made preparations.

As is the case with most kids and their first foray into utensil foods it wasn't a smash hit. Below is a documentation of the event. Notice his heavy breathing and a face which seems to reflect a revulsion and distaste well beyond what I thought a 5 month old capable of.

We tried again today. Annie gave Nathaniel his first bite and he swallowed it without complaint. Realizing that a failure to catalog every moment of his life would result in something very bad I grabbed the camera, set up the lights, miked everyone and started filming the triumph over rice cereal.

Turns out he still didn't like it. It's amazing to watch that happy face turn instantly sad once that spoon goes in then brighten up again when it leaves.

I don't blog

2010-08-19T11:58:00.001-07:00

I'm not by nature a blogger. My life right now consists of a daily routine without variation or excitement. So, until Nate does something new or I suddenly become witty or interesting for now all you get are some delightful pictures of Nathaniel.

Learned things

2010-08-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

Ever since Annie and I started this blog we have received thousands of e-mails asking all sorts of questions. We've been asked for life advice, decorating tips and even been asked to be the godparents of several children and animals. However, the question we get the most is how to install a new stick of RAM into a computer. I will demonstrate.

First you must open your computer. In most scenarios the computer will not be larger than you and you should not have any problems.

Next, you may have to remove some other components if they are blocking the way. In this case the video card is blocking access to the RAM. Remember, it looks tasty but don't eat it.

Finally, you will have access to the precious RAM. Simply pull on it really hard, you may need a hammer, and out it comes. Remember, don't eat it.

If you simply cannot resist the RAM's siren call to take a nibble then try to taste a corner

However, it will make you throw up.

Scenes from Misery

2010-08-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since last we chatted. I know that I have all the time in the world but for some reason that makes it harder to find time to do things. I'm sure Data from Star Trek would be able to point to some break in the space-time continuum causing this effect.

I teach primary (CTR 8s) and sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not. This week it was great. The class began with talking about kindness and ended with one boy on the ground screaming and trying to crawl away from a girl in the class who was dragging him across the room. It was the other teacher's turn to teach this week.

The lesson was about kindness and the teacher had the kids role play the Good Samaritan. The beat up Jew was a wild little boy named Colin and the G.S. (cool abbreviation for Good Samaritan) was a sweet little girl named Sadie. Soon enough Colin was screaming on the floor trying to army crawl away while the Good Samaritan dragged him by the leg across the room telling him he needed to go to the inn. It was like a scene out of Stephen King's Misery.

I wonder at what point Nathaniel will lose his sanity and act like that. This kid is cute.

Failed and Funny

2010-07-19T15:14:00.001-07:00

Annie and I had a family council the other day (as we always do) to discuss what to post on our blog. In my mind it was clear; my recent failure and Nat's infectious laugh.

To begin with, I am a man of few failures in life. I easily conquered puberty and ever since then I have seen so few failures that one might believe me to be some hero from a tall tale. I'm flattered but that is not the case. Last week I angered the Barbecue Gods. I love BBQ and I've long desired to create a BBQ sauce. I decided that now was the time and began the process. I collected all the different ingredients and began brewing my sauce with naked anticipation barely contained. I mixed, I poured, I measured and I simmered. I grew excited, and then it all went horribly wrong. The sauce was not a sauce at all but a devilish amalgamation of horrificness and disappointment. It was too tangy, chunky and had the consistency of chicken noodle soup. It was not a sauce at all. To make matters worse I prematurely placed the frozen hamburgers on the grill. They came out sickly and barely resembled a hamburger. Annie ate it anyway and said it tasted great but I could see the vomit in her eyes. I failed horribly and I don't know that the Barbecue Gods will ever forgive me.

Thankfully, Nathaniel is so cute that anyone that has a vendetta against me will quickly forgive it to be able to hear Nate laugh. He laughs more frequently and it is very cute. Cuter than any other babies, yes, even yours. He starts to laugh and you find yourself feeling filled with pleasantness and laughing along with him. We often sing to him and have been able to get him to laugh by singing Lime in the Coconut, Who Stole the Cookie from the Cookie Jar or any Bruce Springsteen song. He is a wonderful kid and can start a whole room laughing with him, as evidenced with this video. He does tend to get distracted by the camera though.

Special Theory

2010-07-10T16:19:00.000-07:00

I'm now convinced that infants, rather than the mind experiment involving a clock tower, are the best way to observe the special theory of relativity. Just watching Nathaniel over the last months and seeing how fast he is growing makes me think that he may be moving at a faster relative speed. Soon I fear his growth speed will reach the speed of light. If that happens I hope to piggy back off of his ever growing speed and see if I can go backwards in time. It seems that no matter how aware Annie and I are of Nate's rapid growth and no matter how much we try to take advantage of him at each stage it never seems enough. We constantly look back at pictures of when he was younger and think wistfully of how it was and how fast it has passed us by. I can't imagine what it will be like in his teens when we look back on him as an infant and don't even have the solace of having a sweet, cute baby in the present. Just a pimply gangley teenager. I suppose we'll still like him though.

Two videos for your enjoyment. Nate literally has a button nose, and I mean literally in the real sense not the non-existent yet oh so common figurative sense. His nose acts as a button. When you press his nose, it turns something on. We're not exactly sure what we are activating but it is always funny. Secondly, Sometimes Nathaniel likes to yell. It doesn't usually mean he's mad but I am beginning to suspect he hates the camera. He has a shouting match with it in the second video. Its as if he sees me with it frequently and finds himself locked in a death match with the prize being my attention.

Nate's top pics of the week

2010-07-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

Nate's first t-shirt

This was him begging for me to give him some milk after I tried to make him fast today.

Lightsaber

2010-06-30T12:51:00.000-07:00

For anyone who wonders whether or not a real lightsaber will ever exist, I present you with this: the Arctic Spyder Laser III. Apparently this laser can burn through things, including people's skin.

Arctic Spyder Laser III = the most awesome Power Point presentation ever.

Some people doubted the potency of this device until it was finally revealed. This could be bad. Remember seeing annoying red dots everywhere when the laser pointer came out? Well, imagine that but with casualties.

Nate's Best Time Ever

2010-06-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

The other day Annie and I were playing with Nathaniel. He was sitting in front of Annie and sucking on her finger as if it were corn on the cob. He would start on one end and move down the finger then move back to the top again and repeat. We thought it was pretty funny, and apparently so did he. I started to record the cuteness and as I was recording Annie and I would laugh and he would look up. Soon enough he started making some sounds that sounded a lot like laughing himself. While some of you may think this is cute, I am very concerned. He did not laugh until we started laughing. He didn't even know what he was laughing about but laugh he did simply because his friends were. Peer pressure is already preying on his mind. I fear for his behavior when he gets to high school.

On the bright side we think we may have captured his first laugh. It's hard to tell because his throat is raspy, but then again it's been a little raspy for a few weeks and he has never made these sounds before. The video is about 2 minutes and he laughs once or twice at different times so pay attention. Watch the video and you can be the judge. It's like your very own America's Got Talent.

Father's Day

2010-06-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

Being a Father didn't really have any perceivable benefits until Father's Day came along. Suddenly, it's like I belong to a special club. Yesterday was like being an employee at Toys R Us all over again. It gave me the same feeling I used to get every time customers became thick like a forest and I needed a break.

I would go into the "back" at Toys R Us. It's like belonging to a special club that allows you admittance into a place the common person does not see. There you can avoid the chaos of frothing parents desperate to get a toy and enter a mysterious place laden with boxes of treasures and hide in a secluded area only you and other members of the club can enter. Before yesterday I thought the only benefit to fatherhood was the eventual promise of free labor, but I was proven wrong. Father's Day is like one day of being able to go into the "back".

Also, as promised, although delayed, here is a video of Nate. It starts with him babbling. Or that is what he would have you believe. It sounds cute but really it's a vicious string of expletives in a language only he can understand. The video then moves on to him just sitting there being fat before it finally ends with clips of Nathaniel doing his best pirate impressions and trying to extract sustenance from Annie's arm.

E3

2010-06-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

I have had little time this week to post a real post so instead you get something better, more pictures of Nathaniel. I'll post a video tonight or tomorrow.

Big boy

2010-06-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I enter my room to find my kingdom taken over. Currently we live with Annie's parents and so our room is our house in many ways. Our bed is a decent bed but it is light years beyond the comforts of the car seat Nathaniel often sleeps in. For this reason I often find him sneaking into our bed. The kid is quick. I'll put him down for a nap in his crib or any other structure that will hold him in one place for an extended period and before I know it he has somehow managed to get into our bed.

Changing diapers isn't that bad. I thought it would be a terrible encounter, the sort you'd find spewing from the mind of Edgar Allen Poe; horrifying in its essence and scarring for all existence. Thankfully it hasn't been that bad, although I dread the day when I have to change his diaper and he can talk to me. That'll be a little weird.

Cough cough

2010-06-03T19:04:00.000-07:00

Sickness is a terrible thing, especially when you are a weak baby that can't handle discomfort. Nathaniel got sick this week and it wasn't pretty. He lets out these pathetic halfhearted cries as if he can't manage the strength for a proper complaint but feels the world should still be aware of his ailments. I was going to post a video of it but when a test group saw it, it broke some of the viewers. One of them is still sobbing in the corner. So on a cheerier note, Nate has begun his life long love affair with nonsensical verbal meanderings, much like his father. He is a little sick in this video so his talking sounds a little more sad than usual but it's still funny.

Expressive

2010-05-27T11:21:00.001-07:00

Our 2 year anniversary was last week but we did not celebrate it as we would have liked.
Compared to many marriages 2 years is not that long a time but compared to the amount of time either of us has been in a marriage it is a wonderful accomplishment and one worth celebrating. However, as I said we could not celebrate it and while I would love to tell you why, Nathaniel insisted he be the one to explain it to you.

The week leading up to our anniversary Annie had injured her back carrying Nathaniel, nothing serious but annoying. Then throughout the week she kept getting odd chills followed by a fever. It would come and go for short periods. Very perplexing.

Eventually they went away and we were free to party.

However, Friday night the pains returned so Annie went to the doctor Saturday morning. As many general practitioners are she was useless. Annie now had severe back pain, right where her kidney is, and chills and fever. But the doctor told her to come back Sunday morning to take a blood test. Why could she not take the blood test now? Well, because she would have to fast for 12 hours first. A woman breastfeeding a new baby would have to fast for 12 hours. How some people get a degree is beyond me.

So Annie came back home with a clear bill of health and shaking so badly she couldn't function. Her lips were blue, her abdomen was in intense pain and she had a fever of 103. The pain was terrible.

We knew it was a kidney infection but the only thing standing between us and a cure from modern science was the doctor. We threw our arms up in exasperation.

Our worry began in earnest.

Finally we went to urgent care and within 30 minutes Annie's fluids were tested and she was diagnosed with a kidney infection and given the proper antibiotics. All was well.

So Annie was on bed rest the day of our anniversary and we missed it. The first doctor we saw still calls us to tell us we still need to take the blood test. She's a real winner.

Now the only problem we have is Nathaniel's 5 day constipation.

Alien or Baby

2010-05-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when you let kids dress themselves. Looks like we gave him a little too much freedom too early.

Nate's Greatest Hits

2010-05-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

Video montage!

Videos Videos! Videos!

2010-05-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

Nate is kind of like a one of those sponge dinosaurs that start real small but then you pour water on them and they grow real big real fast. Except instead of a dinosaur he is a human and instead of water it's milk. He's like that. He is by no means big but as his parent I often notice how much bigger he is now. He is expanding much like our universe, my two greatest fears in collusion. Could there be a larger universal conspiracy at play within the walls of my own home? Most likely. However, no one who reads the blog with the exception of Dave cares one whit about me so I seal my thoughts away and present you with videos to delight your fancy and melt your heart.

The first video is Nathaniel making his first human....ish sounds. Until now his vocabulary has been a startlingly accurate imitation of the West African Wild Boar mating growl. In this video you will hear just a glimpse of humanity coming through.

He's a boy, a real boy!

Nate likes to chase things, mostly his cousins. He chases Samantha, Callie and he used to chase Charlie until he caught up with him once. Charlie's a tough kid but it was a pretty brutal beating. However, such great chasing doesn't happen overnight. It comes with hard work, lots of practice and great coaching. We encourage this.

Self destruct

2010-05-08T12:35:00.000-07:00

The most important thing I have learned about being a parent is that it is often more like being on suicide watch. Infants try to kill themselves, constantly. I'm not sure what it is about human programming that makes an early life desire so badly to end itself but it gets tiring being so vigilantly protective. If Annie and I were not constantly, better said, actively stopping Nathaniel from trying to kill himself I'm sure he would have accomplished this task weeks ago.

Sometimes it's as simple as suicide by omission. Nathaniel has trouble sleeping. He doesn't want to sleep during the day. He either wants to die from exhaustion or I should stop putting Mountain Dew in his milk. That doesn't sound so troublesome but then when we try to feed him he goes out like a light, a light being turned off of course. We have yet to determine whether or not he is fake sleeping or just patiently waiting for us to give up on feeding him. Why would he do this? Why would he try to deprive himself of sleep and then fall dead asleep when he needs to eat, depriving himself of food?

One the more aggressive ways babies to try to terminate their existence here is with their bare hands. Frequently Nate tries to claw his face off. If we are not ever vigilant, constantly pulling his hands away from his face then he begins to dig in.

Why? Why do babies want to die so bad? Is the womb that great? That is the only rational reason I can think of for this self destructive behavior. Maybe the whole world would be a happier place if every one had a little more womb in their life.

In an attempt to make him find this life worth living I have begun a process of bonding with him. Piggy back rides, matching outfits, the whole thing.

Faces of.....

2010-04-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

Nathaniel likes to make faces. Even though I have had plenty of exposure to newborns I haven't ever really paid attention to the kinds of faces babies make so I don't know if this is unique to my kid or not. I assume other babies do this but I also assume other babies don't, which I guess makes me a great theoretical quantum physicist.

Either way Nate makes faces. I'd like to share some of them with you. The last two are my favorites.

This is Nate feeling squeamish as we gave him the "birds and bees" talk

Happy after we told him we were all going out for Big Macs

Drunk on meat and special sauce after Big Macs

The inevitable internal problems of eating a Big Mac

This is right after I told him how much money Avatar made.

Succession

2010-04-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

It can be said that my son looks like me. I've heard some scientists say that this is an evolutionary boon. A trait all baby boys have to prevent the father from taking the child's existence as a challenge for his domain. However, if I were to find a new born male a challenge to my leadership I think it would be much more frightening and challenging if he looked like me. Who is this upstart kid who is not only going to take my place but no one would even know there had been a switch. They wouldn't even question his authority cause they'd think he was me, or close enough anyway.
Does make sense to me.
This is me looking like him.....or the other way around.

Furthermore, it seems Nate has taken a liking to vampires. Thankfully, it's not related to the glowing, pedophilia vampires from Twilight. I think it's more of a Buffy the Vampire Slayer influence.

Quantity

2010-04-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

Well babies are mostly boring. They sit around and look cute but don't do much at this point. So what I can't give you in cleverness I will make up for in quantity.

Nate loves himself a pacifier and if he can't reach his, like in the first clip one he'll find another.

Also, babies sneezing is always fun so here ya go.

It's Bathes Time

2010-04-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

Atop our child's stomach sat a monument to the gross parts of having a baby. A last bit of disgusting biology clinging to our new baby. A black and brown reminder of the less savory things that producing a baby requires. Eventually though even the left over umbilical cord fell off and we now had the green light to give Nathaniel a bath. A real person bath, which he liked. I don't know if it's the warm water, the clean feeling or the natural inclination towards exhibitionism but he likes himself a bath.

After our doctors appointment yesterday we learned a few things; Nate is gaining weight very well. He is now at 6 1/2 lbs. The doctor also told us that he had great motor skills and was interested in how active he was for his age. I only had to show her the video of Nate rolling over a few times to convince her of this. Finally, she said he had a great head shape.

So what we have here is a boy that will grow up to be athletic, about 5'3" and have a great head shape. If that's not a recipe for success then I don't know what is. Ladies look out.

Could I get some help here?

Vile Weed

2010-04-14T15:18:00.000-07:00

Nate sleeps pretty good. In fact, he seems to have a talent for sleeping, which is great for now, not so good for the rest of his life. Normally we'll feed somewhere between 8-10 p.m. From there I usually just stay awake for the next 4 hours and then feed him with a bottle. Annie wakes him up again in another 4 hours to feed him.

As a side note: Every always talks about the baby eating in the same terms you would talk about a farm animal. "He feeds every three hours." or "He's feeding right now". Every time we talk about his feeding I imagine Nathaniel doubled over a trough while I throw slop in and watch him dig in. Which, to be honest, is too far. When he gets hungry I can hear him gulping from feet away.

Last night we were disgruntled when I fed him a bottle at 3:30 a.m. and he wouldn't go back to sleep, like at all. He fussed and every time he got close he began to get real angry. The way he was acting made me think he was having stomach problems. He finally calmed down around 12:00 and slept. We did some internet searching and found that broccoli is a food that often gives babies stomach problems. We had broccoli last night. Newman was right all along, vile weed!

Sometimes he likes to practice his "Home Alone" look. We think all the earthquakes have him worried and he is practicing the "duck and cover, covering the head with your arms" position.

LONG JOHNS!

I made the mistake of getting too close to his territory and he issued a baby challenge. Apparently a baby will defend its territory by challenging the new comer by opening their mouth as wide as possible to demonstrate which baby has better feeding capacity.

Pictures

2010-04-09T11:26:00.001-07:00

Here are some pictures. I think the lesson anyone could take away from this is that our kid loves to suck. He sucks constantly and if he is not sucking, usually, he's not happy.

Nathaniel has grown very attached to his pacifier. Sometimes he'll put both hands over it when we try to take it out as if to keep us from taking it away. Other times he'll put one hand over the pacifier and another over his ear. We think he is pretending to be a radio man in a WWII era platoon.

Also, he likes hugging mommy.

I pity da foo

2010-04-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

I made the mistake of telling Nathaniel that babies usually begin rolling over somewhere between 3-6 months. When we had Tummy Time this afternoon he kept trying to roll over without much success. After one failed attempt I saw his eyes glaze over and I could telling he was drawing inspiration from somewhere, and then.........

Ladies and gentlemen our kid rolled over! 5 days old.

Tummy Time

2010-04-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

There's this new thing called Tummy Time. Apparently you just lay your baby down on his tummy and let him flail around. This works as exercise for his little body and also serves to frustrate him. As a parent this is kind of sad but also funny (note I mentioned sad first making me not a bad parent for thinking it is also funny). The doctor recommended we start Tummy Time because babies are getting misshapen heads because parents are afraid to put kids on their stomach.

So Tummy Time it is. At first he wasn't too in to it.

A few minutes later he started to get into it.

I know it doesn't look like much but note the ferocity in his eyes.

Suddenly Nathan heard a beat. Off in the distance he caught the sound of some pumpin' jams and felt the need to take Tummy Time up a notch.

Is it just me or is my kid doing the worm?

More baby then you can shake a stick at

2010-04-05T16:55:00.001-07:00

There was that odd moment Thursday night around 11:00 when the doctor entered the delivery room and said you're ready to start pushing. Suddenly and not so gently reality became a frozen sledgehammer crashing into my gut. 9 months of being pregnant, or for me having a pregnant wife, leaves you feeling that the reality of things is that your wife is now pregnant and that the baby part is a distant concept, ungraspable by one not having been through the process.

Suddenly a man enters your life and says, "hey, that thing in you is actually a baby and you are going to have to force him out through uncomfortable means." Again, suddenly, you realize how much simpler everything was a day ago. Nervous anxiousness perched in my stomach and began making a nest. Annie began to shake, nerves shocked at the doctor's proposition. Shock soaked in nervousness attacked our minds as it struck us, we were going to have a baby and in about a minute Annie was going to have to start the painful, foreign and unknown process. Suddenly, something you had become used to for 9 months becomes something very different. The nurse explained how Annie needed to push and what to feel for. The doctor got ready and then every one looked at the electronic contraptions that would tell us when our lives would begin to change forever. After pushing through the third contraction, the doctor stepped away and put on his birthing coat and pulled up the tools. the baby would come out in the next push and and where I thought I was nervous before, my senses showed me how much more nervous I could be. The doc explained that when the head popped out Annie would need to stop pushing. It wasn't what he said but the fact that he said it as if he were ordering a pizza. He didn't seemed to understand that we were having a baby hear not talking about the weather. A contraction later and there was a baby. Nerves cashed so suddenly my body felt almost numb but my emotions went wild. We had a baby. The foreign became familiar and the unknown became Nathaniel Lee Green. Here is the evidence.

You can see my bed for two nights off to the left. When I say bed I mean chair from Hell that I sort slept in.

Sappy Montage

2010-04-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

This is a video montage of little Nathaniel's first few days. When I first made this video I thought; "Wow, this is really cheesey and lame." but in the stuck with it. I don't like doing lame things, in fact I don't think I've ever done something lame. But with a new baby I figured I could indulge in a lame and cheesey thing or two. In fact, I think I signed something at the hospital, one of the 50,000 things we signed, saying I had to make a video montage of my son.

Its 5 in the morning and I'm awake

2010-04-02T05:42:00.000-07:00

Nathaniel Green was born at 11:19 April 1, 2010. He weighed 5 lbs 14 ounces and was 19.25 inches. Its now 5 in the morning and he is feeding. Thats right, he has been sleeping for hours and let us get some precious hours of sleep. But its still 5 so I'm not really going to write anything and I'll just post some pics.

False Alarm

2010-03-29T17:17:00.000-07:00

Annie began having contractions on Friday. The kind that make you go Hmm. We knew about false labor and how often people are sent home from the hospital from contractions that were not actually labor. We were determined not to have this happen. The universe was determined to annoy us.

Our doctor told us that if the contractions were about a minute long each, five minutes apart and if this lasted for at least an hour, then it was labor. I pulled out my clipboard and we checked off all of the symptoms.

Contractions.........check
5 minutes apart......check
1 minute long each...check
lasting for an hour..Check

Still, even though Annie was going through this for about 3 hours we suspected it wasn't labor but since I never received my honorary medical degree from Phoenix University we decided to call the doctor. The doctor said she was in active labor and needed to go to the hospital.

Once there and hooked up to various machines another doctor told us that while the contractions met all the requirements we did not meet the final mysterious 5th requirement. The contractions must be so painful that you cannot walk or talk through them. Why was this last requirement not given to us by the first doctor? Because it is the mystery requirement that you must pay $500 in hospital fees to learn. We were sent home.

I was content to wait weeks for the baby to come, but now blood is in the water and we are like frenzied sharks after having a taste of being so close.

To ease the pain I have put up this funny video of my niece and her catlike window cleaning service.

Follow Up

2010-03-23T10:59:00.000-07:00

Nancy Pelosi stated Sunday night that Congress has made history and that the fore fathers would be proud. Why would they be proud of such an act you might ask. That is a valid question considering the fore fathers were horrified at the thought of the government having this sort of power. Pelosi stated that the reason was because the fore fathers intended for us to have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and that now every American has the LIBERTY to have healthier lives.

According to Pelosi it would seem that the fore fathers intended Americans to be liberated from all hardships and problems in life through government aid and programs. Lets continue to make the fore fathers proud by giving us the liberty of happier lives by having the government buy every one a home and a car. Then we will give them the liberty of more happiness by giving them a great salary without having to work.

Next we should give everyone the right to life by making death illegal.

Healthcare

2010-03-20T14:59:00.001-07:00

I'm not going to debate for or against the healthcare bill going into vote on Sunday but I did want to spew some thoughts on the politics surrounding it. I've heard more than one politician or pundit mention that while we hate the idea of it now things will change once its been passed.

You know where else I've heard that, from a parent, when I was about 10. My idea of the elected representative was a person vote and employed by me to represent me in a full time capacity allowing him or her to more educated in the processes of bill creation and general legislation.

They were never intended to become the voice they think we should have if "we knew better" or if we were just more educated. The current House has become arrogant and lost its public servant attitude and adopted a public parent attitude. It is not there place, nor there right to pass things the general public doesn't want under the pretense that we are just to ignorant to want whats best for us.

Frustration is rising, people don't like being told what to do in this condescending way. Right now the general public is being forced to accept a bill they do not want and feel that they are losing their representation in the House.

What is the job of a rep. in a democratic society? To vote for what the people want or what you think the people should want?

Things are getting silly, and this attitude is a much bigger problem than the actual bill.

2010-03-13T11:05:00.000-08:00

40 weeks is an important day in a baby's life. It means that he will be born, or at least that he is scheduled to be born and Annie and I are looking for ways to force mother nature to comply, some sort of mother nature choke hold. Sadly, we have found no way to force this nor anything to black mail mother nature with...she is a shrewd one. Although I think we may be getting close with something having to do with global warming.

Regardless, 40 weeks is important. Second to this is 37 weeks. 37 weeks means the baby is full term and can be born at anytime after that. Well, I am pleased to announce that our baby is 36 weeks today! Those who are mathematically inclined will note that 36 is not 37 nor 40 but it is only 1 week away from 37 and thus only 3 more weeks from that time before he is 40 weeks. We celebrate this because we are in the Kansas of pregnancy. By that I mean nothing is happening. Fun California is behind us and exciting Florida or New York is in front of us but right now we are stuck over Kansas. You know what happens in Kansas? I'll tell you what happens. Annie is getting more uncomfortable the baby still seems far away yet we have prepared everything with nothing left to do but wait and wait and wait. That's Kansas.

So with this in mind we took the opportunity to throw our baby a 36 week party to get excited about something.

We made some cake, threw some confetti and gave it all to the baby. Everyone had fun except Annie.

98-100

2010-03-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

No, this blog entry contains little to no information about crafts or cute unborn children. Although, it seems like I literally, and I mean literally in the figurative sense that is so popular these days with people, cannot take a step without someone other than us having a newborn child. I know I will look back on this time before the baby and wish I would have enjoyed it more but I haven't become too anxious.

This post is about a passion of mine, which I realize causes about 98-100% to suddenly lose interest in what I'm writing but that's about 100% more people than are usually listening to me.

I was coming home from home teaching a few nights ago and found myself parked at home but unable to leave the car. At first I thought I was having some sort of physical malfunction or at very least a strong paranormal activity but then realized it was the draw of the music coming through my speakers that I could not leave.

The Bruce Springsteen that many of you know is a man best associated with Born in the U.S.A. Working man songs laced in poppy rock. This is perfectly accurate, for about two of his albums. As I sat listening to a song off of his first album I knew that I had been caught with his scratchy siren song and it did not bid me to stay seated in the car, rather it left me no choice but to finish the song or suffer the wrath of the rock god. "Lost in the Flood" is a song that might take many by surprise knowing its origin. It is a song that does not asked to be liked it reaches into your guts and rips respect from you.

Below is a recording of the last 2/3 of the song. I clipped the beginning hoping that if any one here does decided to give it a listen they will move straight to the meat of it. Its often hard to listen to 5 minutes of an artist you don't know very well playing a song you don't know.

Here it is. And it is SA-weet. I guarantee you will like it.*
If you really want to rock skip it to 1:05
* guarantee is not actauly guaranteed.

Baby Room

2010-02-25T17:29:00.001-08:00

Having a baby requires many things. Things take time and cost money. For the skeptics I will alert you now that it is still worth it. The Lowe's very kindly have offered us a spare room to use for the baby. This is a great privilege considering I expected to just have the baby in our room with us. To be honest we were planning on letting the baby just "crash" on the floor or couch but we've found ourselves on the wrong side of child services as of late so we decided to give him his own room.

About a week ago the room for the baby looked very similar to a storage facility and it needed some cleaning, organizing and painting. The paint was a dark blue, I've been told periwinkle but having no idea what a periwinkle is nor why it is important enough to lay claim on a color, I'll just call it a dark blue. The new color was a very light blue. For those of you who have not done this I'm telling you now; if a room is a dark color, just leave it that way. Its the way nature intended things to be. Eventually the room was painted, furniture was set up, the crib was made and the room was ready. We will need to hang the paintings you see in the pictures eventually but other than that it is done.

Oooo and Ahhh all you like, it is free.

Baby Blanket

2010-02-17T18:10:00.000-08:00

It is written in law somewhere that all babies must have a Baby Blanket. No, not just blankets for the baby to use, I mean a Baby Blanket. There is some mystical difference that only the baby and certain others can perceive but it is through this blanket that the baby will learn and grow much as Superman learned while in his rocket shooting towards Earth. So Annie and I drew up plans (yes I was loosely involved in the planning and no I do not figure skate)and purchased the materials to create the Baby Blanket. Annie did an awesome job and I know the baby will always be comforted and well taken care of in his blanket. Its the kind of blanket only the best Mom could make. This is the sort of blanket that will ward off the most persistent ghosts and the vilest of monsters while he sleeps and feed him with extra-human confidence and competence as he grows, cause that's what Baby Blankets are for.

Zombie Possum Smelly House

2010-02-11T17:02:00.001-08:00

Have you ever smelled a really bad smell in section of your house and then had the smell get worse and worse every day until you realized that a dead animal has died under your house?

Well this was something that happened to my parents recently. But that is not the worst of the scenario. The worst part is what comes next.....zombie possum. Realizing there is a dead animal is only the second stage in this terrible process. The third and final stage is locating the HVT and extraction. Marcus decided that the nauseating smell of bodies returning to the Great Circle of Life was more than what should be considered acceptable for modern living and thought it was time to find the Thing and remove it. I happened to be at my parents house at the time and thought I'd help.

the trap door leading under our house is in my Mom's closet so we began the work. After hours of pain filled and disturbing work we had all of the shoes cleared out and were able to access the "basement". The basement of our parents house is somewhat post-modern and forward thinking. By that I mean that when it was built the architect new how important it was to build something large enough for animals to die in but small enough to make a human extremely uncomfortable in.

One had to drop into the hole in the closet and then sit with your body in the crawl space keeping your head and shoulders still in the closet. From there we had to scoot forward until we were laying on our backs. From there you roll onto your stomach and free to roam about under the house as long as you stayed flat. At first we saw nothing and hoped that maybe the smell was just something clogged in the sewage pipes, as this would have been preferable. But then,.....then my flash light stumbled upon it. I had to hold there as my light seemed to fight for control struggling to turn its gaze away from what it illuminated. A dead possum lay there and I suddenly felt my skin begin to crawl as if abandoning this ridiculous quest and the rest of my body, content to wait for me in the house while I finish this unholy labor.

I have seen dead things before but this was somehow different. I was trapped on my stomach and if the possum turned out to be a zombie I would not be able to escape. Maybe it was the animal's natural disposition to play dead that left me mistrusting its current state...or maybe it was the fact that it was a zombie possum. Eventually Marcus and I got close enough to lay out a tarp in front of it. Our next move was to shovel it onto the tarp then wrap it up and drag it out. This was accomplished but not without difficulty. The closer we got the more violent the creature's scent was and the more tense I grew, ready to hack it in the brain (the only real way to kill a zombie). As close as we were, it was difficult to work and simultaneously fight the urge to maintain the contents of our stomachs precisely where they were

We used a shovel to force the carcass onto the tarp and finally, amidst grunts ocassioned with screams of disgust. We disposed of the body and though we were never bitten nor attacked by the animal there is a large part of that still believes it was a zombie possum. Something about that possum just wasn't right.

Baby Green

2010-02-01T17:19:00.001-08:00

Hello blog readers. I would like to introduce you to my child. Right now his name is 30 but next week his name will be 31. I realize it is difficult to sympathize and understand something or in this case someone who you do not know. To help you with this problem I will post some pictures of our baby. I warn you though.....you are also seeing Annie's insides.

In this picture you will see 30's diversity as he is just sitting there. A complex statement about his multi-faceted persona; sometimes he moves, sometimes though...he just sits.

This picture has me slightly worried. You can clearly see that he has his hand to his mouth as if smoking a cigarette. Not only is he only 30 weeks old and smoking but where did he get that cigarette.

Finally, volumes are spoken by our son here as demonstrates the fact that he is actually Skeletor. I fear for the day when he finally meets He-Man.

Exciting numbers and the SotU

2010-01-28T10:47:00.000-08:00

This blog will cover two things: A clip show of sorts from our lives the last 9 months and my thoughts on the State of the Union. Also I will be writing this in HTML that I have just learned so it may have some errors.

There were things that caused my innards to riot against me and then there were things that my brain seemed to like in the SotU Address last night. I did support the idea of posting ear marks. In reality it may be the sort of thing that flows against productivity in Congress but my idealistic sense hopes that it will cause the Democratic system to be more sincere. It is always funny to me, however, that when Obama is finding himself mired in his own political knots he speaks to the world promising the very same things that McCain promised in his campaign that Obama derided. In this particular speech it was a spending freeze, something McCain expressed need for in a debate against Barrack, to which Barrack stated that a spending freeze was not the answer ....apparently it is.

It doesn't bother me that Obama is adopting good ideas, I want the country to do well, it bothers me that instead of voting for a sentiment the American Public could have voted for the guy that had the right ideas from day 1. I did find it bothersome that the President of the United States talked of the parties working together and moments later insulted the Republicans. Then he spoke about looking to the future and not focusing on the past right after he blamed our financial problems. What worries me about this is I see a man concerned with image and pride not sincerely concerned with fixing things.

Now on to more important things

Important Numbers Since Graduation

Number of months since graduation : 9

Number of weeks baby is : 30

Number of books read since October: 6

Number of job interviews : 1

Number of episodes of the Bachelor watched: ALL

Number of times I have been punched by a small child: 72

Number of cans of Pepsi throwback consumed: 3

Number of parenting classes taken: school of Hard Knock

Baby Movin

2010-01-18T16:48:00.000-08:00

We've tried to catch the movements of our human seedling on video but it seems he is aware of our presence and he stops moving when I turn the camera on. However, we have gotten a few small movements that, in a small way, represent his normally seismic attitude. Some of the movements are small so keep a keen eye out. Whoever spots all the movements wins a prize.

Pregnancy VS Freddy

2010-01-13T08:57:00.000-08:00

There is a human being inside of Annie’s stomach. It is an odd thought but I suspect that is even stranger for Annie. I suspect that because she has told me as much. But there is a point when it leaves, or at least leans away from, the Sci-fi and becomes more real definite. For me that was when I could see Annie’s stomach move. When our baby moves he really moves. For those of you who have seen Nightmare on Elm Street you may recall what it looked like when a face pushed through the wall early in the movie. It’s something like that. For those of you who have not seen the movie, the best way to describe the scene in the movie is to compare it to the movement of our baby on Annie’s stomach.

It’s almost as if he is trying to end his current state of oppression by punching his way out of the stomach. It is my job as father to beat (not literally, just emotionally) that rookie upstart attitude out of him.

For those of you that are less interested in the thoughts and tid-bits of our lives and only peruse blogs for “the dirt” I will provide. Saturday Annie began having severe pains, the kind that make you call a doctor. So being the paragons of logic we did just that. The doctor said the pains sound like pre-term labor pains and had us come down to the hospital. For two hours Annie lay in a hospital bed hooked up to machines as she were some sort of poorly made cyborg and waited while a doctor and nurse floated in and out of the room without telling us anything. Eventually we were released being told it was not early labor but to keep an eye on it just in case.
So what was causing the pains, you may ask. The answer is simple or maybe it’s very complex, who knows because they didn't tell us anything. But we did get a print out on what to look for if you are going into early labor. So we should be set.

An Enticement

2010-01-04T11:55:00.000-08:00

Just to make sure you come back I am adding a video to the blog. Remember, there is more where this came from.

Blogging 2010!!!!!

2010-01-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

It has now been almost a year since our last blog entry. For those of you, and I suspect there are many, that faithfully read this blog you felt abandoned but I assure you there was no abandonment. We never left, rather we lurked somewhere just out of eyesight waiting for the right moment to pounce. We waited for a moment when you would need us most and this is that time. Christmas has come and gone and the cold reality of life is crashing down on all of us once again.

But we re-open our blog hearts to all of you once again for many reasons. Last year so many things of interest were not happening that it was too much for my brain to handle. Thousands of bits and pieces of non-events and un-happenings were crashing together with such force in my mind that they often exploded in a cringe-worthy display of nonsensical word vomit. Now, however, things are a happening. The other reason for our sudden return (apart from the constant clamoring avid fans) is because a friend of mine who shall not remain nameless, David Espenschied, decided to start blogging. That man has bested me so many times that I have had enough and will not be shown up by him any longer.

In conclusion, I don't know if there is anyone even reading this. I assume that by posting my thoughts and our family events someone must be reading them. To supply something continually must mean that there exists some sort of demand. Yet, there is no real proof of this. Maybe there is not a soul who is reading this. So, to my phantom fans, we write on!

I'm Good At Sitting

2009-02-24T12:32:00.000-08:00

I’m not good at many things but one thing that I am great at is sitting. I am really good at sitting, in fact, if someone were to see me sitting they would comment “man, that is some good sitting, best sitting I’ve ever seen.” One of the many benefits of my talent comes in the form of the interesting things that happen whilst I sit. For example I was able to witness something called the Academy Awards this weekend. Annie and I threw an incredible Academy Awards party that involved me and Annie and the enormous contents of our imagination all in one room. The award show is great because it is only one of two places where such a large group of liberals completely detached from real society gather together to waste inordinate amounts of time. If only congress had a red carpet because I would love to see Nancy in the latest backless Versace dress.
Inspired by the Oscars Annie and I hosted our own awards show. The two categories were best version of Scott Green and best version of Annie Green. Sadly The Curious Case of Benjamin Button won both. As much as I love the Academy Awards I love the Tyra Banks show just as much. I just love how she pretends to be a human and plays the game where she’s try to bring every conversation back to herself. Unfortunately, there can be only one favorite show. The solution is to have the Academy Awards and the Tyra Banks show fight to the death in a cage match…only one spectacle can survive.

The Fray

2009-02-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

I was watching a video for the Fray's latest song. The guitarist was playing on his acoustic with his best rock face on. Watching the Fray try to rock is like watching a book shelf try to be a James Bond movie.

Lyrical Dystopia

2009-02-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention over the last few months that music is in a sever state of corrosion. Music can essentially be split into two categories; those that appear on the radio and those that do not. For the most part that agreement has worked. I remember back in the late 90's when Evan and Jaron were wooing the ladies on the radio with little more than their good looks and ribbed t-shirts, I could turn to non-radio bands to satisfy my music needs. However, as of late even the most stalwart of bands are failing to satiate my cravings. Previously when radio bands provided trash I could listen to my bands and hold that up as a standard proclaiming my sanity in a world gone Nickleback. Bands that provided safe harbor such as Weezer, Bruce Springsteen, Ben folds and the Killers have decided to turn their backs on clear and decent lyrics to appease a world of growing insanity. This lyric from the newest Weezer album is more like a tribute to drinking gasoline than a song:
When I was younger
I used to go and tip cows for fun, yeah
Actually I didn't do that
'Cos I didn't want the cow to be sad

What does that even mean???? Is this a song about a 13 year old schizophrenic PETA advocate?

Until Something Happens in Our life this is all We have

2009-02-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

I watched the Matt Lauer interview with Barrack Obama and it was good see that the media has decided to be as detailed and hard-hitting with President Obama as they were with President Bush. I think the best two questions asked were: "How do you like your new Blackberry?" and "You are so awesome can I have a lock of your hair?" One of those two questions was actually asked and discussed for an extended period.
Annie and I had a huge inauguration party. It was awesomely and irrevocably off the hook. I don't know which hook but you could pretty much just pick any hook you wanted and it would be off of it. That is how we roll. We relished every moment of the six hours of inauguration coverage. My favorite part was watching all the people I don't know shuffle into a lavish dinning room and have conversations that we could not hear. It was a great two ours spent watching some fine dinning that other people were doing. Apparently the government adopted the 'scared child' policy regarding the economy. Much like a scared child closes his eyes assuming that if he can't see the monster then the monster can't see him, our public servants assumed that if we just spend money on a party like a recession doesn't exist then the recession doesn't exist. Annie and I were so engrossed by watching public officials mingle that we completely forgot to breath. Thankfully Obama walked into the dinning area and saved us from our respiratory plight.

Blood Diamonds are Forever

2009-01-19T16:47:00.001-08:00

The pressure to maintain a blog can be inhuman. At times I feel my skin molecules been forced closer and closer, changing composition and forcing my soft touchable skin into hard diamond. While it is tempting to let this process transpire and sell of small chunks of me ensuring life-long material comfort I know that I would forever be hunted by De Beers and Leonardo Dicaprio in a never ending struggle for my heart as they sought out the largest blood diamond ever. Although sometimes Annie gets a look in her eye, as if she’s imagining a giant golden ring attached to my back. Blogging is no easy task. Frequently neither Annie nor I can think of anything to write about. In the last two weeks nothing has happened except school starting, and to speak of school would be to open up a rift into a darker world that would claw through the reader’s skull and draw all goodness from it leaving a heaping mass of brooding. All I can hope is that something big happens tomorrow providing me with written fuel.

Musings of a Returning Man

2009-01-15T09:59:00.000-08:00

Coming back to Provo after Christmas break is very painful. Its like being at the best party you've ever been to in your life but then half way through it you have leave to go and sit in the refrigerator. Upon returning back to Utah Annie and I had to clear off the two feet of snow that was not only sitting on our car but nature had taken the time to glue every particle of snow to our car. After healing from a sickness that Annie and I both received as a welcome back to Provo gift school began. School is a fascinating little world. Professors love to tell you that they are preparing you for the real world but then proceed to immerse you in a series of scenarios so supremely unique to academia that they have very real possibility of handicapping those with a desire to enter the private sector. Also, Barrack Obama is the greatest marketing plan the United States has ever come up with. You can buy coins, tote bags, mugs, or even trading cards with Barrack Obamas face on it. The next step I see is the New Nike Barrack Obama basketball shoe. Who knew "Hope' came in the form of easy money. With the new year comes many new events and experiences, in the next blog you will hear of our careful anaylization and predictions for 2009.

Our Snow is Better Than Yours.

2008-12-18T22:42:00.000-08:00

I've been hearing around the digital cooler lately that people have been getting extraordinary amounts of snow in their living areas. It seems that everyone needs to brag about all the snow they're getting, especially those in Spokane who look down on us with their frosted over yet stubbornly upturned snow covered noses. If in fact you are looking for pictures of great snow storms then you have come to the right place. Provo has never been a city to be out-done. Provo coaxed snow from the reluctant sky and what spilled forth was a blizzard unheard since the time of the mammoth. It snowed 70 inches over night blanketing the streets in mountains of snow. That's right 113 inches of snow fell in Provo two nights ago.
Despite the futuristic design of our underground parking garage I was unable to get the Civic out of the parking garage while still adhering to the normal laws of physics. The only way to get out of the garage was with voodoo magic or by backing up to the end of the garage and gaining enough speed before I hit the ramp propelling me through the air. This, however, was very dangerous as the speed to get up the ramp was 6.8 miles per second which, as you NASA buffs know, is only.1 mps away from escape velocity. I would not do very well in space on account of the lack of oxygen, and when I say oxygen I mean the channel. But the truth remains that we were differently hit hardest. The streets were filled with snowy catastrophe. Since it happened later in the morning and our neighborhood doesn't have a high enough income level our streets were left unplowed the entire day.

Here is a picture of our ramp from our parking garage. The tire tracks you see were made by my car several hours earlier. As an interesting side note snow seems to be mostly made up of "slippery".

It snowed so bad in Provo that the Abominable Snowman was sighted. One blog had a picture of snow pile that had a car under it. Ha! This is a picture of the Abominable Snowman who ate a car outside our apartment.

Edward vs Chris Hansen

2008-12-11T13:53:00.000-08:00

Why is it that if a 40 year old man were to have a relationship with a sixteen year old girl it is disgusting and perverted but a hundred year old vampire can date an underage sixteen year old girl and it is romantic? That's Dateline material.

Merry Christmas to all....

2008-12-10T21:33:00.000-08:00

Suddenly again, I looked about the room for a clue as to what had filled our hearts with the pounding of a thousand ginger bread men singing carols and performing River Dance. I looked at our bedroom door and noticed something very peculiar for a door to be doing. Normally in the morning our door looks like a door but this morning it all manner of colors spilling over its edges as if they were all toppling over each other in a great race to be the first one to cheerily exclaim that our fortunes had changed with their arrival. I once again remembered the old Christmas poem, The Night Before Christmas. I began to throw open the sash and Annie realizing I had a picture frame in hand stopped me. After wrestling me into submission and stopping anymore sash opening incidents we came to the conclusion to open the door.

Slowly we drew near to the door. I turned the handle. With a slight pause I creaked open the door and entered our front room. Trumpets sounded and angels sung. My eyes were overcome with light and glitter. Before us was a room that was ours but
completely unrecognizable. Gone were the dead branches and sickly walls. In their place were lights of all colors and garland and tinsel. Gone was the defective tree and in its place was a tree of such holiday cheers that it would invoke Christmas vomiting of candies that only the heart could imagine. Santa had heard our plight and had sent the Incredible Hulk to decorate our house and bring Christmas to us for the entire month of December.

A Green Family Christmas Story (Green as in the Incredible Hulk?)

2008-12-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

As I began my college internment I found that suddenly my Christmas season was horrifically slashed in a way that would make Jason Voorhees gape in astonishment. Before college I had at least a month of Christmas cheer besieging my senses, now I find it only lasting the brief period between the semesters, that two week period existing in the thin paradisiacal slice of reprieve from the mentally violent demands of the professors. I am married now so I thought that maybe this year I could attempt to extend that feeling of Christmas with decorations, the kind that go in a house.

We went to a store called Mich, which apparently used to be Michaels until they decided it was classier to leave the “aels” lights burnt out on the front of their store. There we thought to indulge our season’s appetites on tinsel, mistletoe, holly, and all the trippings and trappings our baskets could carry. Turns out Michs also decided it was classier to not have many Christmas decorations. So we ended up getting some lights and a broken wreath. Slightly dejected we returned home with thoughts of icicle lights, tinsel and fake snow filling our minds hoping that maybe, if we thought about it hard enough, there would be a Christmas Miracle. We put up are fake tree that night. It stood a pathetic 8 inches tall and in spite of being a fake tree had managed to turn brown. We grabbed some dead branches from outside and hung them about the apartment in hopes that it would appear garland-ish, it did not. In fact, it looked very much like dead branches. We went to bed that night wondering what we had done to anger the Santa deities.

Early the next morning Annie and I woke up for another day of no Christmas cheer. Something was different though. Neither of us could tell what exactly had changed, maybe something in the air or maybe it was something inside of us that spoke of endless adventure and countless gumdrops. Then suddenly I remembered the old poem about the night before Christmas and I quickly threw open the sash. Unfortunately we did not have a sash and I had merely thrown a potted planted across the room. My mind raced, what could be different, what was this feeling that we felt and more importantly who put it there? Was it a super spy or maybe it was Superman, or maybe it was something entirely different like the incredible Hulk.

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Thanksgiving Thanks

2008-12-02T21:57:00.000-08:00

As Thanksgiving rolled around this year I tried to look past the festival, the trappings, and the veneers that constantly pull at our attentions, distracting us from the true nectar of the holiday. It is during this time that we should remember how Thanksgiving all began and why it means so much. 5,000 years ago our ancestors were freed from the Nazi’s by the Native Americans who then taught them how to grow turkeys. During this holiday we are urged to look back and be grateful for the things that bless our lives, things like the evolution and advances of modern physics regardless of Lauren being around. As I pondered this special time of year I decided to blog a gratitude list. I would feel so ungrateful if I did not make a list of all the reasons why people are grateful for me. This list was originally difficult to generate. What first came to mind was that I am awesome, but that begs the question why should others be grateful that I am awesome. Eventually, exhausted and lying on the bathroom floor, I decided to go back to the beginning and list why others are grateful.

I’m by no means what I would consider a ‘good-looking” guy, but I’m easy on the eyes, people like that.
I don’t spit when I talk.
I almost never smell bad.
I’m very courteous during occasions of high-social saturation making me perfect for Balls, champagne tastings, and Red Carpet Occasions. In fact I tell a joke that has been known to evoke boisterous chuckling.
I’m the kind of awesome that doesn’t make people feel uncomfortable but makes them think, “Hey, I could be awesome someday too.”….but really they can’t.

A Train Ride...(Through Time?)

2008-12-01T10:15:00.000-08:00

As the economy settles into its recession people look for a cheaper way to do everything and for us that meant taking the train from Provo to California for Thanksgiving. Normally when I would tell people this they would then give me a look and repeat quizzically, “the train?” as if I had just informed them that we would be traveling by horse drawn carriage or hot air balloon. I must admit that at first it seemed odd to me too. I didn’t even know trains still existed in most of America. Trains seemed like an artifact from the past long extinct and only spoken of in children’s books and stories about the old west. But as we stood in the Provo train station (the station was more like a well tended trash can) the giant train lurched to a stop and settled itself before us. It stood there as if it had just raced through a time warp from an era when men carried six shooters and terms like "sam hill" still existed. I half expected to see the train doors open and cave men to emerge with well trained Dodo birds at their sides. Thankfully this did not happen. Cave men are very territorial and I would be hard pressed to defeat them and still board the train on time (which was unfortunate because I had just done some Tae-Bo and about 300 crunches and was ready for a fight.

The train was chrome and had a contemporary style as if it were trying desperately to prove it was modern but only had the effect of elderly gentlemen wearing some baggy jeans, a pair of lugs and s FUBU sweatshirt. Had this area of Provo been anything more than a barren patch of dirt the train would have seemed out of place. I stood at the door of the train and wondered what would happen to me upon entering. Would I be taken up in an Orson Wells or Jules Verne type of adventure through time, or maybe even find myself at the center of the earth fighting a giant squid? I entered. There was no squid or time warp, but there was a hobo on the roof with some hot chocolate for me, well I don't think he meant for me to have his hot chocolate but it was a bit cold up there so I did get to have some hot chocolate and get in that fight I wanted.

TAG

2008-11-20T17:26:00.001-08:00

So, there's this new thing called "Tagging", all the kids are into it these days. Apparently, the more popular you are the more "Tags" you receive. Since Annie and I are the most popular people we know we assume it must be a error that we have not been "tagged" (everyone must be assuming that everyone else is "tagging" us). The fans must be dying, even craving to know the deepest desires and tastes of our hearts sorted into neat categories of 5 and we must oblige. Here follows the first set of categories:

5 places I go over and over

1. The bathroom.

2. The Couch

3. The television room because it’s been a whole 7 hours since the last time I heard any news on who Obama might possibly have maybe insinuated could be receiving some sort of cabinet position.

4. The frame aisle at Target. I know its weird right? There’s just something so reassuring about all those happy people in the stock photos in the frames.

5. A place where everybody knows my name. Ya know. It’s just; Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows Your name.

5 favorite books

1. Memoirs of a taxi cab

2. “Black Bart Roberts and How He Conquered My Heart: the True Story of How the Fiercest Pirate of the Caribbean Won the Love of a Dancer”

3. Yeti: A True Love Story

4. Cups, Glasses and Mugs! Has the World Gone Too Far?

5. Nigerian Princes and You

5 favorite movies

1. My first three are the first three Twilight books. They are not out yet but I know I’ll just love them more than anything when they are out.

2. My fourth favorite movie would be the live recording of the Broadway musical “Beauty and the Beast”. I find that the movie version sold out.

3. And my fifth favorite movie would be the music video for “Everything I do” by Bryan Adams. I know it’s not a movie but it should be and it is at the end of one.

2008-11-09T23:02:00.000-08:00

Now, I’m not normally a man of indulgence but today I was feeling mildly to moderately saucy and thought I would make some fries. I used to make fries all the time when I lived in Honduras and thought that the technique would naturally translate to the United States. With a quick flourish of the knife that would make trained assassins jealous I sliced the potatoes and set some oil in a pan on the stove. I first noticed the problem after the oil had been cooking for a bit, the pan was smoking. The smoke was not very thick but it was consistent enough that I worried about the fire alarm going off. It was at this point that I thought maybe throwing the fries into the oil would calm the smoke. The theory behind this, of course, being that the oil was asking in its own way for something to cook. Turns out that was the wrong idea. I’m familiar with smoke. I’ve seen smoke before. I see smoke coming out of fires and cigars and chimneys, so imagine my surprise when thick fog like smoke started pouring out of the frying pan. I checked with my internal list, Chimneys, fires and cigars. Nope, the frying pan was not supposed to be smoking. The fire alarms screamed their disapproval and made us fully aware of how many neighbors we have. The following is a picture of the smoke filled kitchen after it had dissipated somewhat.
However this was preferable to the time when we burnt some bacon and accidentally brought the fire demon Slagdor of the Pits to our home.