Thursday, September 25, 2008


The two of you who read this blog may be wondering what happened at The Duck Pond. I know it was cruel of me to leave such tales unanswered but I suppose it happened. When last we met I had begun throwing balls of wadded up bread at ducks. As I was doing this I began to hear a distinct whistling sound. It was a similar sound yet foreign at the same time. The best way I know to describe the eerie vibrations resonating in my ear is to say that it sounded almost exactly like a half cat half parrot made up entirely of whistles flying past my ear. Or better yet it sounded like a whistle screaming past my ear. As I looked slightly to my left to see what the sound was I noticed a ball of bread flying past me at a speed nearing light. It is an obvious question for you to ask how I was able to see an object zooming at the speed of light. It is a valid question. Through the low atmosphere the bread flew, ripping apart atoms like a baseball through a bird. The life expectancy of the bread ball’s flight was soon seen to be very short indeed as it came to a sudden halt with a loud thud.

Eagerly I awaited the wonderfully pleasing sound of a duck squawking with indignity and taking flight from the insane balls of bread raining upon it with such fury. It was not the sound of a duck I next heard, but it was little Charlie’s sound of sudden shock and pain as he realized that a surprisingly fast moving waded-up piece of bread crashed into his thigh. In that moment I realized that the near speed-of-light bread ball spoken of early had not hit a duck at all but hit poor Charlie. I genuinely felt bad for him but then realized I may be in a bit of trouble myself. At this very moment not only were the ducks planning a malevolent counter attack against their bread throwing nemesis but Lindsay looked up at me, the last known bread throwing offender. At this same moment my own wife Annie looks over at me too. I became aware of the very real possibility that everyone thought it was me who had thrown that bread, and with the absence of a grassy knoll what other conclusion was there?

At this point I began to see the fires of sudden death flare up in Lindsay’s eyes as she planned her revenge for the one who caused the bread pain to her youngest child. So in this moment let us pause to consider the current predicament I am in. Frozen in motion Lindsay tries to tend to her son and kill me with her eyes, my wife is stuck in the act of villainizing me with her stare at me as if I were the culprit and the ducks are slowly maneuvering towards me with an attack group. It is a tense moment indeed. However, it quickly comes to an end as the father runs to his child and quickly begins to apologize for hitting him. At the end of this whole ordeal I am still slightly awed by the incredible speed Brian was able to throw a ball of bread at. Now I know I promised mutants, and there were mutants, but I have let this go on long enough.


Kristina said...

Scott, You're unequivocably (or is it unequivocally?) my favorite blogger. I see why you married him, Annie. Boy's got some serious skills. Love, Cousin Kristina

Dave Espenschied said...

I have posted on your web log.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Phew! I thought I was going to die of being blog parched. I mean, how many times is a gal(even an aged aunt-like gal) expected to check a blog and see NOTHING NEW WHATSOEVER? It is like wandering through the desert . . .Like I said, Phew! Just in the nick of time, too!

*tracy* said...

wow. somehow after reading your blogs i'm torn between needing a nap after the adrenaline wears off and a thesaurus in order to write an equally compelling comment. clearly today i'm going for the nap. tomorrows comment out you writer of big word you! :) go team green.